Church Introduces 'Worship Song Time Remaining' Display After Complaints

By Squirrelly Joe's Coffee - Where Virtue is Always Brewing

OLNEY, IL — 

Big-Eva Community Church has made the stunning theological breakthrough that even divine worship benefits from, precise digital timing. Their revolutionary countdown display shows exactly how many minutes of spiritual ecstasy remain before blessed caffeine access.
 
The high-tech system helpfully displays:
  • Current song remaining time (automatically adding minutes when the guitarist closes his eyes)
  • A running tally of how many times "one more time" actually means five more times
  • EXACT coffee hour commencement prediction (±17 "just as I feel led" moments)
  • Warning alerts when the drummer appears dangerously close to another spontaneous solo
"It's a miracle of modern church engineering," explains Pastor Dave Wilson, who definitely wasn't checking football scores during last week's 27-minute rendition of "Oceans." "We've merged the timelessness of worship with the very time-conscious nature of our congregation's bladders and brunch reservations."
 
The system was installed after multiple complaints, including several passive-aggressive prayer requests about "being better stewards of our Sunday schedule."
 
Worship leader Caleb Matthews insists his artistic and spiritual integrity remains untarnished. "The Spirit still leads," he declared while eyeing the timer like a contestant on a baking show. "We've simply helped the congregation understand that when I say 'spontaneous worship,' I mean 'precisely 7.5 minutes of unscripted hallelujahs.'"
 
The church board is reportedly thrilled with the results, especially after installing the companion app that sends automatic alerts to the coffee team exactly 12 minutes before service end—ensuring optimal brewing freshness and minimal congregational mutiny.
 
"Before the timer, I'd just start brewing whenever the pastor said 'In conclusion,'" admits coffee team leader Martha. "But that turned out to be wildly unreliable—sometimes he'd go another 20 minutes."
 
In related news, the church's new "Offering Acceleration Gauge" shows real-time calculations of how quickly the mortgage could be paid off if everyone actually tithed.

Squirrelly Joe's Coffee - timing the perfect brew so you don't have to. Our Respect light roast is ideal for those extended worship sets, with enough caffeine to keep you engaged through even the most unpredictable Spirit-led extensions.

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