The Caffeinated Confession: A Declaration on Coffee

Preamble of Percolation

We, the ardent consumers of the roasted bean, being of sound mind and vibrating constitution, do hereby proclaim our stance on coffee in this most solemn of beverage declarations.

Affirmations

1. We affirm that coffee is a divine gift, brewed from the sacred grounds of botanical enlightenment.
2. We declare without equivocation that the first morning cup is a sacrament, a ritual more holy than any ecclesiastical rite.
3. We testify that caffeine is not merely a stimulant, but a transformative elixir that transmutes the leaden torpor of morning into the golden energy of productivity.

Denials

1. We categorically deny that instant coffee is a legitimate form of the sacred brew. Such concoctions are an abomination, a mockery of true coffee’s profound essence.
2. We repudiate the heretical notion that decaffeinated beverages can be considered coffee. These pale imitations are but water masquerading in coffee’s vestments.
3. We reject with utmost conviction any suggestion that tea might supplant coffee’s supreme position in the hierarchy of hot beverages.

Affirmations of Method

1. We affirm that proper coffee must be:

• Ground moments before brewing
• Prepared with water at precisely 195-205 degrees Fahrenheit
• Consumed within 30 minutes of preparation
• Appreciated with contemplative reverence

1. We declare that true coffee appreciation requires a minimum of three minutes of silent meditation per cup, during which one reflects on the bean’s noble journey from tropical plantation to porcelain vessel.

Denials of Heretical Practices

1. We deny the legitimacy of any coffee consumption that involves more sweetener than bean essence.
2. We renounce milk-based drinks that obscure coffee’s fundamental character, treating the noble brew as mere a substrate for dairy and sugar confectionery.

Concluding Proclamation

Let it be known throughout all lands and to all peoples: Coffee is not merely a beverage, but a state of being—a universal truth more constant than gravity, more binding than social contract.

Signed with trembling hands, caffeinated to the point of transcendence

The Grand Collegiate of Coffee Aficionados
In perpetual session, somewhere between first and fourth espresso